Everything was going fine with the relationship - so I thought - until I found out that she was seeing 7 other guys on a regular basis.
And I was like WTF? Why are you seeing (and sleeping with) 7 other guys?
And she responded that she is just friends with them - friends with benefits. And that I was the same thing, just a friend with benefits.
Myself I was quite heartbroken. So I gave her an ultimatum, break it off the other guys and go out with only me.
Because quite frankly I wanted a monogamous relationship. I didn't want to share her with other men.
She said she would think about it.
Then out of the blue her best friend, a girl she hangs out with a lot whom I had previously met, calls me up and wants to hang out. Clueless, I say okay. So she comes to my university and we hang out on the campus and in my dorm room and I get the distinct impression she is hitting on me. She was saying things like how her boyfriend wasn't doing it for her any more and she was thinking of breaking up with him, etc. Basically trying to put the moves on me.
Meanwhile I am still in my monogamy frame of mind and I politely just hang out with her, nothing happens and she eventually went home looking disappointed.
Now at the time I thought my girlfriend (if you can call her that when she is sleeping with 7 other men) was just sending her friend to spy on me. It was pretty obvious that this was a setup for something - I thought it was to see if I would cheat on her and so I did not.
However I had interpreted everything all wrong. Years later I have finally figured it out.
Her friend was there to determine if I would sleep with her, and then the two of the girls together would somehow (deviously) organize a threesome or some kind of group sex event.
It is blatantly obvious now what their plan was, but at the time I was young, naive and clueless.
I am certain it would have ended badly too. I am too much of a monogamy person that I would have gotten jealous of her sleeping with other men. Other women I could deal with, but not other men.
Frank Corti, 72, who served with the Royal Engineers in North Africa from 1956-58, dodged the knife and punched Gregory McCalium, 23, twice in the face, giving him a black eye and a swollen lip and sent him reeling to the floor. He then restrained the attacker until police arrived.
McCalium, a barman who was down on his luck, was given a four-and-a-half year prison sentence at Oxford Crown Court on June 24th 2013 for aggravated burglary and was told by the judge he "got what he deserved".
The court heard that Mr Corti was at home in Botley, Oxford, with his wife Margaret, 72, when the young McCalium, a neighbour, forced his way in at 8 AM on August 19th 2012 . McCalium was drunk and depressed from a recent bout of bad luck - and his bac luck was about to get a lot worse.
Speaking after the case, Mr Corti said: "I was scared when he first drew the knife, but my old training must have kicked in because I just punched him as hard as I could and he went down like a sack of spuds. If you can't defend what's yours, where are we at?"
McCalium had denied the charge and claimed he could not remember what happened. Which is perhaps true. Drunk and punched twice in the head, he may not remember trying to rob the elderly man at all.
But it certainly makes for a funny story.
For private boxing lessons in Toronto contact CardioTrek.ca. Boxing is great for fun, exercise and even punching burglars. :)
To me having a sex drive is part and parcel of being human - it is the driving force behind our need to fall in love, get married, have a family and procreate. Without our sex drive the human species would have died out long ago due to sheer lack of procreation.
Thus to me people who have no apparent sex drive - or are basically not interested in sex - there must be something WRONG with them. Either hormones wise or something in their head psychologically that prevents them from becoming aroused during romantic / sexual situations.
Now I am not a neuroscientist but I am confident there has been a fair amount of research into this topic so lets see what I can find out by doing a quick Google search on the topic...
#1. There are many pharmaceuticals that have "low sex drive" listed as a side effect. This suggests to me that it is very easy to create a chemical imbalance which causes a low sex drive. However that doesn't explain people with "no sex drive" whatsoever.
#2. Dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin levels play a huge role in sexual desire for both men and women. A depletion in these three chemicals (or even just 1 of them) can result in a lower sex drive. Someone with a lowered amount in two of the chemicals or even all three would have a tiny or possibly even non existent sex drive. Each of these hormones play a different role in the body, but block any one of them and you can get some weird results.
Dopamine for example is critical for motivation and desire: if it’s depleted or blocked (with a medication like an antipsychotic, for example), people may lose the will to strive, even the ability to move. But boost it with a drug like cocaine and people feel capable, excited, empowered, overconfident.
Which begs the question, could synthetic cocaine or a similar drug be used as an aphrodisiac?
Dopamine doesn't just affect sexual desire either. It is also connected to our desire for food, sleep, social interaction and connected to addictions to everything from gambling to exercise addiction.
Serotonin is actually weird. Low and high amounts can actually have different opposite effects on sex drive. A low amount can actually trigger a high sex drive sometimes, but the person will be more depressed and less choosy about their sexual partners - in other words they will sleep around a lot because their serotonin levels are so low and they have a correspondingly low self esteem. Really high serotonin levels can still be attached to a high sex drive too, but the person will be more choosy about who they are sleeping with and are more likely to have only one sexual partner.
Thus a person with low dopamine and low oxytocin will likely be anti social and lack sexual desire. Coupled with a "calming" amount of serotonin in their system and they won't feel the need to have sex at all.
#3. Not all low sex drives is caused by hormones. Sometimes it can be something as simple as a pinched pelvic nerve in the wrong spot which prevents orgasm and even arousal in some people. Such physiological problems however can now be solved with elective surgery.
#4. Other non listed physiological reasons. I am not going to list them all, but basically it can be a physiological defect - such as having one's clitoris removed in a clitoridectomy (an operation popular in some Muslim African countries where women are treated rather poorly and they don't want women to enjoy sex that much).
#5. Mental trauma, such as sexual abuse or rape in the person's past which has since caused them to be unable to become aroused.
Now with respect to this last one - 33% of women in North America are sexually abused at some point in their lifetime. While this doesn't always result in severe trauma, it does indicate that such abuse is far too commonplace and that in the extreme cases it is really no surprise if the trauma is so severe it causes permanent damage to the woman's psyche.
I don't know what percentage of men are abused, but we can assume it is probably a larger number than we would normally guess because men are too afraid of being stigmatized by admitting that they were the victim of such abuse.
Yes, stress can be a factor in low sex drive. But it doesn't erradicate sex drive entirely because stress induced low sex drive is just temporary. People going through high and low bouts of stress eventually learn to cope with their stress and then use sex as a release to reduce their stress levels.
#7. General Dislike.
A couple who are going through problems such as communication or compatibility problems will have a reduced sex drive - and that reduced sex drive may eventually be the lynch pin which drives them apart permanently. Disliking the person you are with - for whatever reason - means you are going to start resenting having sex with them, like it is some kind of obligation or chore you have to do to maintain the relationship. Once sex is reduced to a chore it is no longer fun and you lose interest in it.
This happened to me once when I was in university. True story. During my 4th year of university I moved into an apartment with a girl and we got a lease. NEVER GET A LEASE! Due to the lease I ended up maintaining the relationship, but near the end I was withholding sex because I had grown to dislike her so much that I had lost all interest in her sexually. (That and she was insatiable anyway and I was tired of the chore it had become to keep her satisfied 24/7.)
But again, like stress this doesn't mean the person has a low sex drive so much. It just means they'd rather break up and find someone new. Which I eventually did once the lease was done.
I must admit people with very low sex drives still seem alien to me. I can't even imagine having a low sex drive and not wanting to have sex regularly (especially with someone I feel deeply and passionately about).
Note: I think personals websites would be wise to include a Sexual Compatibility Survey so people can check to see if they are compatible with people they meet online before they meet in real life. This way if someone is into things you aren't into that you can ensure you are getting into a relationship that has potential to last on the sexual level. A woman with a high sex drive meeting a man with a low or non existent sex drive will be sorely disappointed. And vice versa. Likewise a person who is into nudist colonies and kama sutra will be disappointed when they meet someone who is a conservative prude beneath the sheets.
Lack of sex / sexual incompatibility is one of the driving forces behind the divorce rate in many countries.
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